How to Get Your Kids to Stop Crying (Forever)

Like most households with small and unpredictable children, we have our good and bad days over here. Sometimes you see the bad day coming (the morning after Grandma and Grandpa leave town). Sometimes you’re blind-sighted by it (four teeth show up overnight – coffee anyone?). What’s a parent supposed to do with all the crying, the tantrums, the break-downs, when JUST the day before you were convinced you had entered a new phase because everyone was so cooperative and happy? Well I think I’ve come up with some solutions for how to get your kids to stop crying, forever. They’re based on pure insight and speculation, which counts for nothing. But enjoy anyway!

*Reader discretion: If you do not appreciate sarcasm, you will not like it here.*

The situation: Your 20-month-old wakes up and instantly begins crying in his crib until you come get him.

The solution: When you put him to bed that next night, fill the bottom half of his crib with things he can throw. He’ll be so happy when, upon waking, he sees these items and realizes he is free to break things. Then you will know he’s awake not because he’s crying but because you heard glass shatter. Good job. So far so good.

The situation: Your 3-year-old can’t get her coat on by herself but she insists on getting her coat on by herself. She is FREAKING out.

The solution: Hide candy in her coat sleeves. You will fail as the parent trying to feed your children healthy things but she will be so happy and distracted, she’ll allow you to put her coat on for her and get the heck out the door. Sometimes success comes in confusing packages.

The situation: Both your children are crying because they knocked each other over the head with plastic and surprisingly sturdy character dolls from Frozen.

The solution: Go back in time and don’t give them plastic Frozen dolls. Don’t ever let them watch Frozen. In fact, forget that Disney exists. Your children may be socially unaware and feel left out momentarily but that’s going to happen at some point anyway, it might as well be now. Plus, you’re secretly pissed over how hard you cry each time Bambi’s mom dies, too. Disney = tears. Clean it up, people.

The situation: Your son is starving. Never mind that he just ate 10 minutes ago. Big tears of rage are happening.

The solution: Go to the pet store immediately and purchase an automatic dog feeder. Fill it with your son’s favorite food and leave him be. Maybe pick up a water bowl too. He’s happy – forever.

The situation: Your daughter fell down for the 143rd time that day. She is physically unharmed but emotionally scarred and may never recover until she makes sure she fake-cries Meryl Streep out of a career.

The solution: Pad the walls with that annoying bubble wrap that comes in everything these days. When you are finished padding the walls, pad your daughter’s knees, feet, elbows, hands, head, shoulders and bum. The bubble wrap doubles as a tracking device – you will know exactly where she is based on the random popping and giggling. Also glue Velcro to the bottom of her snow boots as well as to your entire icy driveway. Worry about looking like the neighborhood wack-job later.

Photo Credit: geckokids.com.au
Photo Credit: geckokids.com.au

The situation: One or both of your children are hysterical because you told them it was time to go and/or to put down whatever they were playing with.

The solution: Give them bubble gum. Works every time. Who cares that they are too young to properly navigate bubble gum with their mouths? Look at those sticky and gross happy and non-crying faces! Extra points for making sure it’s pink or green or blue. Don’t bother looking to see if it’s all over your upholstery, hair or car seats. What you don’t know will definitely make you cringe.

The situation: Your child wakes up in the middle of the night crying because they saw a monster.

The solution: Record your voice saying something like “it’s okay honey, monsters aren’t real” and run it on their CD player’s repeat setting. Unrealistic? If someone would have told me 5 years ago what I’d accomplish in one day of parenting, I would have told them THAT was unrealistic. So you’ll have to do better than that excuse.

The situation: You have no idea why they are crying. No $#@! idea.

The solution: This is your fault. You did not employ the previous solutions successfully, because if you did your children would not be crying. Start over, do it right. Geez. Also, get used to everything being your fault.

*When all else fails: Hugs and wine, my friends. Hugs and wine. Oh, what about the kids? you ask. Probably just give them hugs…*

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